Mother Seeks Healing After Son Reveals Pain from Past Behavior

A mother grappling with the fallout of her past alcohol abuse has reached out for guidance after her son revealed the deep emotional scars caused by her behavior. In a heartfelt letter to advice columnist Eric Thomas, she expressed her desire to heal their relationship while confronting the painful memories of her drinking days.

Three years ago, the mother invited her 24-year-old son to live with her in her one-bedroom condo as he saved for his own place. During this time, she battled alcohol addiction and underwent emergency surgery for an unrelated issue, which left her feeling devastated in multiple aspects of her life. After achieving five months of sobriety, she believed she was making progress in their relationship, but her son reacted with anger and defensiveness.

The situation escalated when she experienced a brief relapse, prompting her to seek emergency psychiatric help. During her hospital visit, her son opened up about the trauma he endured while she was drinking. He revealed that he had saved messages and videos of her during episodes of rage, which she admitted she could not remember. This revelation left her feeling terrified at the prospect of viewing those recordings but also aware that understanding her past actions was crucial for healing.

In response to her concerns, Thomas advised against watching the videos at this time. He emphasized the emotional weight they would carry for both individuals and suggested that any future viewing should serve a recovery-focused purpose. This could include making specific amends or helping them process their shared history in a therapeutic setting.

He recommended that the son consider joining Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, as the trauma and resentment stemming from his mother’s past addiction require attention. Thomas encouraged the mother to support her son in finding these resources and to attend meetings with him if he is open to it. This support can be pivotal for both their recoveries, he noted.

Additionally, the columnist addressed another letter from a mother frustrated with her daughter’s lack of gratitude for gifts received. The mother expressed disappointment that her daughter, now 31 years old, had not written thank-you notes after various occasions, including her wedding and graduations. She contemplated gifting her daughter thank-you notes at an upcoming baby shower but worried about embarrassing her.

Thomas cautioned against making a pointed gesture during the shower, suggesting it could derail the event and come across as passive-aggressive. He recognized that while the daughter should express gratitude, her habits reflect her choices as an adult. Instead, he proposed discussing the issue privately before the event and potentially making note-writing a prerequisite for attending the shower.

In a separate letter, a volunteer suggested a solution for a church leadership issue involving an older woman who sometimes fails to fulfill her duties due to cognitive challenges. The volunteer recommended assigning her the role of greeter at events, allowing her to interact with others while accommodating her limitations.

Thomas commended this approach, noting that it aligns the volunteer’s strengths with the church’s needs, benefiting both parties involved.

For those seeking advice, R. Eric Thomas welcomes letters at [email protected] or via postal mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Readers can also engage with him on social media or subscribe to his weekly newsletter for ongoing insights.